Arlene will be on hiatus from the Support4Change Blog, while working on the Better Tomorrows Program. In the meantime, I will provide you with what I think of as Arlene’s “Greatest Hits.” This post is a recently added article from the Support4Change website.

Some of Arlene’s reflections on the occasion of her birthday.

Three e-mails came across my desk in the past two weeks that have given me an idea of what I want to write for this page on celebration of birthdays, which is being written the day before my birthday.

1. First is the article by Joyce Vissell, half of the exceptional counseling team of Joyce and Barry Vissell. For several years they have given me permission to use their excellent advice for couples. In this article she talks about a notebook that became the focus for using birthdays to notice the blessings that year (and all of life) have given them.

2. The second e-mail came from a woman who often sends me interesting and inspirational pieces. This was by Regina Brett, 90 years old, who wrote in The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio, that, “To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written.”

The list contained many aphorisms and affirmations that have been attributed to lots of people, sometimes with the same words and other times the words are slightly different. After all, how many ways can you say, “No one is in charge of your happiness but you”?

For this birthday I decided to share a few from her list that most resonated with me because they have been lessons that were particularly valuable for me to learn, or ones I am still trying to put into practice:

• Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
• Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
• Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
• No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
• Yield.
• You don’t have to win every argument.
• Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

3. The third communication came from my brother, John, whose 75th birthday I celebrated by creating my very first video. He wrote about his family’s get-together to celebrate the occasion and shared how much he had to stretch himself over the years in the process of entering into the lives of others as they struggled with problems in their lives. (He was a psychologist and human resources specialist before retiring.)

The same is true for me. Since becoming a therapist, I have learned as much about myself when counseling others as I have learned outside the therapy office working on my issues by myself. And in writing books and offering advice on my websites, I have deepened my understanding of the subjects about which I write. (It’s a little disconcerting to discover that opinions I once stated so firmly were built on less than firm ground, a fact that which could only be understood as I got older.)

As I celebrate my birthday this year, I am reminded once again of the passing of time (an image of a calendar with pages flying off comes to mind).

How do I look upon the aging process as I jump from one birthday to the next? To answer that, I can go back to several years ago when I posed four questions for readers to consider about their age:

What do I like most about my age?

What do I like least about my age?

What do I do to lessen the difficulties associated with my age?

What are your concerns for your next stage of life?

If you read My Experience at Age 70, you will know how I feel today — about the same I felt then. As I’ve gotten older, I realize that I have truly found my path in life (it’s about time I did). And as I learn to live more fully in the moment, I know that I am “following my bliss,” as Joseph Campbell recommended many years ago.

I believe there are two requirements for a full life at any age. Learn and love. I try to do both. The more years I have, the more I can learn and the more I can love. Getting older has its rewards in being able to know how to put into practice what one learns and how to make the world a better place by loving others more effectively.

©2009 Arlene Harder, June 2009

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Arlene will be on hiatus from the Support4Change Blog, while working on the Better Tomorrows Program. In the meantime, I will provide you with what I think of as Arlene’s “Greatest Hits.”

This article is from the Support4Change website, and is reprinted with permission from Joyce and Barry Vissell, founders and directors of the Shared Heart Foundation. It originally appeared in the Shared Heart Newsletter.

Are you too sensitive? Maybe we need to see this question in a different light.

Have you ever felt like you were too sensitive? Have you ever been hurt by something someone said to you, even though it wasn’t obvious that they were trying to be hurtful? Have you ever been with someone and you could feel their anger towards you, yet they deny it? This list of questions can go on and on. The answer to all of them is that you are not too sensitive — you are beautifully sensitive.

I grew up in a loving home with my mother, father and a brother four years older than me. My brother was tested as genius intelligence and even as a child was on his way to becoming a world famous electrical engineer. My dad was also a brilliant engineer. Though I got excellent grades in school, my strength was my emotional intelligence. This is a quality that today is beginning to be recognized. Back in the early 50’s it was not. My family did not know what to do with a child that cried and showed emotion. I was easily hurt by what my brother considered “teasing.” This “teasing” would usually happen during meal time when I was young. My brother would say something to me that he thought was funny, but I would feel hurt. I would start to cry and my dad would say, “Joyce, you are too sensitive. You’ve got to learn to take a joke.”

Or someone would be angry in the house and no one would feel it but me. I would say something, or even begin to cry and again I was told, “Joyce you are too sensitive. You won’t be able to make it when you grow up. You have to overcome this.”

I loved my dad very much. And I knew his engineering mind was trying to fix me rather than understand my sensitive nature. He sincerely wanted the very best life for me and was a very good father in many ways. He simply didn’t understand sensitivity and saw mine as a huge stumbling block to my happiness in the world.

By the time I was in my twenties and living away from my parent’s home, I felt that my sensitivity was a huge handicap. Some people are blind, some are deaf or paralyzed. I was sensitive. My sensitivity seemed like a heavy burden that I must work to get rid of. I felt ashamed to be so sensitive. I tried meditation and yoga, but I only became more sensitive. Finally I realized that I could not get rid of this inner quality, and I must work to accept myself just as I am. For the past 33 years of my life, I have been on a path of accepting my sensitivity and am in the process of realizing that it is one of the most beautiful parts of who I am.

There are times when accepting my sensitivity is relatively easy. When we are leading workshops I can sense people’s needs and understand their feelings. When our three children were living at home, I could feel what was troubling them sometimes even before they realized it. When I am out in my garden I can sense what each plant needs. I am also sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of my husband Barry. I can hear the voice of my heart, my intuition, speaking silently to me. These parts of my sensitivity are beautiful for me.

There are also challenges to being sensitive. Recently a friend hurt my feelings through a comment he made. In the moment, I was unable to share my feelings as we were with a group of people that had come together for a focused reason. I sat in silence after the comment and felt the hurt first in my heart and then flowing throughout my body. I closed my eyes and right away remembered my dad’s words to me, “Joyce, you are too sensitive!” I started to feel ashamed at this level of sensitivity in me. Then I stopped this downward progression and very gently began an inner dialogue, “Joyce, I love that you are so sensitive. This is your greatest strength. Yes, it hurts sometimes, but it’s part of your beauty. There’s nothing wrong with you. Your sensitivity is beautiful.”

I kept up this inner dialogue until I no longer felt ashamed of my feelings. When it was appropriate, I was able to talk to my friend and work out the feelings. I have had to use this inner dialogue on numerous occasions. When I am by myself or feel comfortable around others I also put my arms around myself while I carry on this inner dialogue.

Barry used to have a hard time with my sensitivity. But now he has come to accept that it has blessed his life as well. He tells me that my sensitivity has given him permission to open more to his own deeper sensitivity.

I am not too sensitive and neither are you. No one is. We are beautifully sensitive. Our feelings have been given to us as a gift. Yes, there are challenges in this world for the sensitive person, but the positive aspects of being sensitive far surpass the negative.

©2009 Joyce and Barry Vissell. Reprinted with permission.

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Arlene will be on hiatus from the Support4Change Blog, while working on the Better Tomorrows Program. In the meantime, I will provide you with what I think of as Arlene’s “Greatest Hits.” This article is from the Support4Change website.

When confronted with a health crisis, keeping a balanced approach to the mind-body connection can be the best course of action.

The conclusions we can easily extrapolate from studies on the mind-body connection is that our thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, and emotions influence our state of general health and even our survival. Notice, however, that I used the word “influence” and not “control.”

For example, it is one thing to refer to yourself as a “survivor” rather than a “victim” and talk about chemotherapy as “powerful medicine” rather than “toxic chemicals.” It is another thing altogether to make no provisions for the future because you believe you can simply “will” your cancer away. It’s also a great burden to be overwhelmed by guilt because you blame yourself for getting a disease in the first place “because you weren’t positive enough.” And it is even more disturbing if you are so sure your mind can control your body that you ignore prudent care.

Unfortunately, that was the position of a very dear friend of mine. She was absolutely committed to the idea that one could prevent cancer by not thinking about it. Once, when I asked casually if she had had a doctor check out a mole that seemed strangely shaped, she jumped on me and said, “You can believe that cancer is possible in other people, but don’t put those thoughts into me. I won’t entertain them.” A few years later, she died of cancer, not from melanoma, but from lung cancer from earlier years of smoking that had metastasized to the bladder. The saddest part for me was seeing her spend the last months of her life in pain because she firmly believed bloody urine was her body’s way of dealing with “long-suppressed sexual abuse,” although she had no evidence that it had happened.

The best approach would seem to be that of Elaine Ferguson, M.D., author of Healing, Health and Transformation: New Frontiers in Medicine, when she says she encourages her patients “to find a happy medium between the you create your own reality mind-set and disease just falls from the sky belief.” When you take responsibility for your health in a balanced way, then your emotional patterns and your choices of lifestyle, diet and work will affect your susceptibility to disease and will facilitate health.

The path to this balanced approach can actually be found in an unexpected consequence of having to deal with disease, which I refered to in the introduction to this section. When people have to focus on their disease and step back from the “distraction” of work and normal activities (though one could say that the “activity” of going to treatment is distraction enough), they’ve had to spend more time by and with themselves. Consequently, they’ve had the opportunity to reach inside and do some exploration of their lives.

Perhaps they have decided to use this crisis as a catalyst for growth and have made changes in their general outlook on life. Or they may have taken classes on imagery for hope, peace and healing and learned how to reduce stress — so they now experience greater calm and quiet, a genuine peace of mind they had previously thought unattainable. In being reminded of the uncertainty of life, they may have decided to live more fully with joy and passion and, in the process, have become as physically well as they possibly could.

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Arlene will be on hiatus from the Support4Change Blog, while working on the Better Tomorrows Program. In the meantime, I will provide you with what I think of as Arlene’s “Greatest Hits.” This article is from the Support4Change website.

How what we “carry” with us impacts our ability to establish and maintain healthy relations.

What does a backpack have to do with healing relationships? Let me begin by using a metaphor to help explain why people get stuck in bad relationships, why they can’t figure out how to improve a bad relationship, or how to get out of one that isn’t healthy for them.

This metaphor is one I use in my latest book, Ask Yourself Questions and Change Your Life. It goes like this:

All of us are born into a home fashioned from our parents’, or other caregivers’, dreams, traditions, beliefs, education, and experience. The foundation for this home was built by the culture in which our parents grew up and the age in which they lived. Not knowing anything else, we accepted our lives as the way things should be. Even if there was discord in our family, it was home. It was familiar.

It is important to note that no matter what kind of atmosphere there was within the homes where we began our lives that, metaphorically speaking, each room had a window. The windows faced north, south, east, or west. And while corner rooms might provide a view in two directions, our parents, like most people, tended to use some rooms more than others and to like the view in only one or two directions. They encouraged us to like that view of life as well. This doesn’t mean that what our parents were looking at was wrong, it was just limited.

When we went outside, even though our horizons were expanded, we were encouraged to focus on some parts of the world to the exclusion of others. So we were taken to some places and not others. We attended one church but not another. We went to one school rather than another. We played with one group of children and not another. This selective experience of the outside world felt most natural to us. After all, our parents’ beliefs worked for them. Why shouldn’t they work for us?

When we were allowed to leave the house by ourselves, our parents tried to make certain that we would continue to accept their ideas on how we should live. They did this by creating a “container” into which they stuffed all their beliefs, injunctions, instructions, and hopes for us. I think of this container of parents’ dreams and goals as an invisible, highly stretchable “backpack” we carried with us wherever we went as children — and continue to carry today.

The figure at the top of this page is the way my backpack felt when I first began to struggle with an adult son who was estranged from us for several years.

It was through my healing of that relationship, which has taken many years, that I discovered the steps of moving beyond a relationship in which we’re stuck because we can’t get the other person to behave in the way we want them to behave. Using my own experience and that of my clients, in 1994 I wrote my first book, which is titled Letting Go of Our Adult Children: When What We Do Is Never Enough.

Gradually, step by step, I was able to first sort through the heavy bundle I carried wherever I went, and then discard that which no longer fit and gradually eliminate a lot of beliefs and behaviors that didn’t work for me anymore. I kept what was valuable, and now, today, my backpack is little bit more like the fanny pack at the end of the page, or at least more like the one before it.

I still find I carry my perfectionism, which always adds weight, but all-in-all, I feel freer and more are peace. And certainly my heart is much lighter than it had been for many years when I was trying to get my son to change.

The Better Tomorrows Program is an outgrowth of what I’ve learned about the process of repairing and healing relationships, and sometimes needing to let them go. And this metaphor of a backpack illustrates why our past can cause so much trouble for so many people.

First, it helps to understand a little more about how the contents of our backpacks were assembled.

In the backpacks our parents fashioned for us, we could find our parents’ rules for how to treat others, the kind of education we should have, the religion we should follow, the foods that are best for us to eat, the books we should or shouldn’t read, the kind of job that would allow us to reach the potential our parents saw in us, the kind of friends we should have, and the kind of person we should marry. These are the shoulds, ought-tos, and musts that parents want their children to remember.

Then as we ventured farther out into the world, we came into contact with relatives, neighbors, friends, preachers, teachers, pundits, experts, celebrities, and even authors of self-help books who added their opinions to our backpack. This is how you should vote. This is what you should wear. These are the beliefs you should hold. These are the charities you should support. Everyone is only too willing to tell us how to change the way we live if we are unhappy, and how to live even if we are happy with our lives. What is important to note is that accepting, without careful examination, someone else’s opinion of how we should live adds more weight than is necessary in this bundle we bring with us everywhere.

Not only is our backpack filled with the opinions and exhortations of others, of course, but we add to it our own dreams, accomplishments, whatever self-assurance we’ve picked up along the way, values we try to live by, skills, accomplishments, and strengths, all influenced by our temperament. Then too, we wouldn’t want to leave out our failures, resentments, regrets, jealousies, guilt, fears, the memory of traumas and the residue of illness. And we make certain to keep a list of every possession we buy, especially those to which we are attached.

The problem is, with so much accumulated over the years, we’ve come to believe that the contents of this backpack define us. By claiming that what we believe, what we own, what we say, and what we do is our “identity,” we attempt, mostly unconsciously, to guarantee our place in the world, for no two backpacks are the same.

The ego, whose job it is to protect our identity, has bought into the idea that the contents of the backpack determine our identity. Thus the ego makes certain that the pronouns of “me,” “mine,” and “I” are sprinkled liberally throughout our conversations. Consequently, the contents of the backpack are very important to our ego.

But what happens to the ego, and the backpack, when a relationship becomes unsatisfactory? What happens when your relationship with your parents, partner, adult children, sibling, friend, co-worker, or anyone else causes pain and discomfort? How can you get the relationship back on track? How can your ego be encouraged to work for not only your best interests, but for the best interests of the other person as well?

The Better Tomorrows Program shows you how. This self-paced multi-media course is broken down into nine modules. It helps you take off the backpack and examine the contents to explore whether the admonitions and beliefs you’ve been carrying all these years still apply to your life.

Look at the Better Tomorrows Program page to learn how you can participate in this unique and powerful program.

Also, read Welcome to Better Tomorrows for a description of the formation of the program.

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Arlene will be on hiatus from the Support4Change Blog, while working on the Better Tomorrows Program. In the meantime, I will provide you with what I think of as Arlene’s “Greatest Hits.” This article is from the Support4Change website.

The following e-mail correspondence between me and the mother of a grown son who moved back home — what is referred to as a “tweener” or “boomeranger” — illustrates how one’s temperament can greatly influence how a grown child “turns out.”

Correspondence is reprinted with permission.

Dear Arlene,

I enjoyed reading your book [Letting Go of Our Adult Children] online and wanted to let you know that I found your book reassuring - example: that each parent probably contributes 1/3 influence. Several statements resonated with me - such as “The question we must each consider is whether we accept in ourselves our own “possibilities, weakness, appetites, loves, lapses, brutalities, decencies.” When we are able to do that, we will no longer need to project those qualities onto others. Then which race is “best” or “right” will no longer be an important issue.”

Right now I am struggling with what action to take with an adult child who is living at home with no direction and no job. I will keep your website on my favorites list.

Olivia Henderson

Dear Olivia,

Glad my book has been able to be of help to you.

I don’t have time for a long response so I’ll just say what I often advise parents. I’ll suggest “tough love.” You don’t say how old he is or what his skills are, but the question you may want to ask yourself is, “When will he learn how to be responsible for himself? This month? Next month? Next year? How will he learn?” Perhaps it’s time to say, “Son, you have one month in which to find a job so that you can pay rent here or someplace else.”

Then sit back and let him fume and fuss and claim you’re too mean, or whatever he will say. He is probably like so many “tweeners” (so called because they’re between teenage and adulthood). [Sometimes they’re also called “boomerang” kids ‘cause they tend to come back home after leaving the nest.] Somehow our society has created this new category of development, with many coming back home to live.

There is an interesting book I read recently called My Reality Check Bounced!: The Twentysomething’s Guide to Cashing In On Your Real-World Dreams that talks to young people who have a problem of feeling adrift at that age. You may want to recommend it to him and then discuss it with him. Pardon my directness, since I don’t know the situation, but I am guessing he needs a good swift metaphorical kick in the butt.

Arlene Harder

Dear Arlene,

Here is the story of our 27 year old son. I would appreciate getting your opinion of my situation. I wonder if you would think I am overreacting or if I have a legitimate worry.

He did well in college but since then, he has had virtually no direction. He was given an internship with Microsoft (his BS was in Computer Technology) but decided after it was over that he did not want to continue in that direction. This was huge - because he probably could have gotten a job with Microsoft if he had played his cards right.

After college he spent over a year working as a volunteer for organic farms around the country. There is a program for young adults who want to experience this lifestyle.

After he returned home he spent several months with us and then at our urging, found a room in a house with other guys his age. He was unemployed for a year and a half and had gone through all his childhood savings. At this point, I figured he wasn’t going to look for a full-time job with a future and I finally suggested that he go to a temp agency - which he did that day. He had a job within a week - sorting mail for a large company. He seems to avoid responsibility at all costs. I now think he did not know how to go about looking for a job. He then found a web site for teaching English abroad.

For the past year he has been in Russia teaching English at a university in a large industrial city. He returned home a month and a half ago and we are back to him living at home. After a month, he applied to the same temp agency - again with no direction. Through another employment agency he did have a possible job offer (full time job) which he is debating about. The pay is probably more than a temp job would be. As far as I’m concerned IT’S A JOB, take it, especially because he does not have any other leads or ideas.

Stephen has overcome a childhood handicap : I knew he had some sort of problem from day one. Since he was born, I have worried about one thing or another because he was so different. During his childhood I had taken him to several specialists - with no diagnosis.

When he was 24, I found a website that described his condition and his childhood perfectly. He had a form of autism called Semantic Pragmatic Disorder. When he was growing up I had searched in vain for a diagnosis for his behaviors, going so far as traveling to the university’s medical library and searching through various studies on neurological problems. At that time in the early 80’s the label “autism” was reserved for the severely affected with rocking, flapping, and no eye contact or speech. This discovery was a godsend to me, just to know of the diagnosis and that there were others and that there was a prognosis for the future - that they outgrow the condition!

He did not speak fluently until he was in third grade and continued to have echolalia until this time as well as confusing “he” with “she” and various other speech problems. He spent 80% of his time alone with books or on the computer. In spite of all this, he did have a few friends and was invited to birthday parties. I think he had a sort of self confidence due to his intelligence in school. (although he would regularly forget to turn in his assignments) He was uncoordinated and too spacey for any type of sport. As a matter of fact “spacey” pretty much sums up his growing-up years. For a period of time including junior high and high school, he would have silent conversations with himself, moving his lips with his eyes darting all around. It was as if he was rehearsing both parts of a play in his mind.

Anyway, today he is 27 and his brain has obviously made new neurological pathways to make up for his deficits. He still has a few vestiges of the condition - problems probably connected in some way:

He has a problem being in places where it is noisy like restaurants and overly crowded events.

He has a trouble with eating a full meal - it will take him an hour and a half to finish a meal. I think this is somehow related to the sensitivity with his senses. It is a chore for him and many times will forget to eat until he is starving and as a result will become irritable. He is very slim.

He is not naturally social and still spends most of his time by himself.

But on the positive side:

He has many interests and is busy with them. For instance he can spend the day at the library reading about different science or history topics or he will write short stories and plays and loves to draw.

He can discuss almost any topic - he has a high IQ and a propensity for talking philosophically.

He is kind and respectful of all people. He asks our permission before using anything of ours and respects our home and our lifestyle. Every Mother’s Day he lets me know how much he appreciates everything I’ve done for him and writes touching Mother’s Day cards.

I am proud of him for overcoming his form of autism and I rejoice at his accomplishments, but I can’t help worrying that his life will be one temp job after another. I worry that he might not ever know the joy of companionship and close friends. I have come to believe that his lack of motivation and direction is part of his general makeup and not connected to the autism.

I know that part of my problem is how to deal with questions from our friends and acquaintances. I still care what other people think - that’s a hard one to overcome. Our friends are professionals and live comfortably and as it usually turns out, most of their children are heading in that direction as well.

My feeling that we must make him live on his own and deal with all the expenses of life and at this point he has very little money. It will be very awkward to ask him to leave because I think he feels very welcome in our home. If you have another suggestion other than what you wrote in your e-mail, I would LOVE to hear it!

I will find the book My Reality Check Bounced!. It sounds interesting.

Thanks much,

Olivia

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Arlene will be on hiatus from the Support4Change Blog, while working on the Better Tomorrows Program. In the meantime, I will provide you with what I think of as Arlene’s “Greatest Hits.” This article is from the Support4Change website.

If you want a game that can increase the connection between you and your partner, or even a friend, try this moon game.

For the past forty years my husband and I have played what may be one of the longest-lasting non-argumentative and unique marital competitions on record — “the moon game.”

Just what is the moon game, you ask? Well, let me explain the four simple rules as we understand them.

• Whoever sees the moon first and says so, or indicates in some way that he or she has seen it (making a circle with your hands or drawing in the air a crescent shape is an acceptable substitute), gets the moon for that night.
• The actual word “moon” must be said before the other person says it. The spouse who takes the time to say “Honey, I was just now out in the backyard and I saw a beautiful, round, delightful moon this evening” would lose if he or she started the sentence a second before the other person said simply “MOON!”
• The “victory” is the pleasure of winning. We don’t keep score, although over the years we both claim we’ve seen the moon more than the other one has.
• No cheating, but scheming is both allowed and encouraged.

Actually playing the game, therefore, can get quite complicated. For example, if you know the moon is about to rise or is already visible, but you haven’t actually seen it yet, you don’t want the competition to know you’re looking for it. So it’s important, as you sneak out to take a look, not to go through the garage door, which makes a noisy grinding sound as it runs along the track, or to slide open the porch door with its metal runners. Instead, you must s-l-o-w-l-y open another door, as quietly as you can, while your spouse is distracted by television or is loading the dishwasher. Then you can step into the yard, scan the sky, find the golden prize, and run in to announce it to your spouse.

If you’re walking on your Friday evening date and know the full moon is about to make an appearance, you must try extremely hard not to clue the other into your casual, but determined, effort to locate the celestial orb. That’s particularly true if there’s a full moon or a new moon. That’s because these give you more “points” than plain, ordinary moons visible during the rest of the moon’s cycle.

Sometimes the moon just falls into our lap, so to speak. You’re not thinking about it at all. Then you turn your head to look out the car window and there, rising about the horizon, this glorious round body offers you the winning ticket of the day. While your spouse’s head is turned in a direction that prevents him or her from seeing it, you casually comment, “Oh, by the way, dear, did you notice the moon today?”

Or you’ll be reminded of the moon when the television weather forecaster, as part of his report, shows a full moon over the local mountains. When that happens to us, we’re likely to both jump off the sofa and dash for the back yard, which faces east, and scan the sky. However, at 6 feet, 4 inches, Bob has a distinct advantage as we stand side by side. For while the moon may be seen as soon as it arises in the flatter parts of the Los Angeles area, here along the San Gabriel mountains the moon has to rise a bit farther up the sky before it’s visible. That’s why sometimes we’ll stand in the yard and watch the darkening sky gradually lighten with a pale circle of light that precedes the actual sighting of the deep golden moon. In those particular backyard contests he’s often the winner, although I’ve grabbed a ladder on a couple occasions just so I could be sure to claim it first.

Bob also has an advantage when he rides his bike home from work. It doesn’t make any noise, so he will come into the back yard and look in the window to see if I’m in the kitchen. If I am, he’ll knock on the window and point up to the sky. As I said, you don’t have to actually “say” you saw the moon, you just need to be clear that you’ve seen it. And if I’m busily working at my computer, writing for this website, for example, his greeting won’t be, “Hello, honey, I’m home. How’re you doing?” No, that would give me too much time to shout, “MOON!” — just in case I happened to have gotten away from the computer during the afternoon and taken a look outside. So his usual greeting (on those days the moon is visible) is “MOON!”

As you can see, if one person is home, the other has an advantage. So I have some tricks up my sleeve to tip the scales in my favor. For example, I’ve been known to turn off the car lights as I slowly drive up our street so he won’t see the headlights driving in the driveway (and before you panic, I will tell you that it’s a one-block-long street that has almost no traffic and I wouldn’t do this if a car was moving anywhere in sight). Then I’ll q-u-i-e-t-l-y get out of the car and walk q-u-i-e-t-l-y up to the front door, put the key q-u-i-e-t-l-y in the lock and, as I push open the door, yell “MOON!”

Part of the fun is that we both engage in all kinds of silly strategies, as when I claim I really don’t care if he got the moon or not, declaring, “I only play because you seem to think it’s important.” He doesn’t believe me. Maybe that’s because I point out, with not a small amount of pleasure, that I “got” the first full moon of the new century and the last blue moon (when two full moons occur in the same month) of the last century.

How did all of this get started so many years ago” Neither of us can remember. But competing to see who gets the moon first is a contest that has remained a cornerstone of our relationship, sometimes bringing a welcome bit of levity when we were upset with one another.

All I know is that Bob will have to outlive me, because if he doesn’t, every time I see the moon I will remember him and it will only remind me know how much I miss the loving competition.

And if you choose to adopt this game for yourself, I would enjoy hearing from you.

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Arlene will be on hiatus from the Support4Change Blog, while working on the Better Tomorrows Program. In the meantime, I will provide you with what I think of as Arlene’s “Greatest Hits.” This article is from the Support4Change website.

Discover how one family enjoyed great fun in deciding what the children would inherit while their parents were still living. 

I’m so glad I’m alive to watch our children choose the paintings they want.
—Comment of my father as his children were deciding what items we wanted to inherit

If you’ve never had the pleasure of choosing the things you want to inherit from your parents while they are still living, you’ve missed a great opportunity. Fortunately I had that chance more than ten years ago when my parents were going into a retirement community and needed to pare down their possessions.

During a family reunion, my three siblings and I divided almost everything they owned into separate categories, such as kitchen items, tools, paintings (both were amateur painters), furniture, etc. The idea was to make selections of what we’d like to have for ourselves and for our children. We’d be able to take with us those things they had to get rid of right away and would mark other items we’d receive after they died.

The process was very simple. We decided which category we wanted to start with first. Then we each chose a different colored removable circle sticker. I think mine was red. Next we drew straws to see who would go first, second, etc. in making his or her selection in the first category.

Let’s say we started with the paintings. Many were still hanging on the walls and others were taken out and stacked around the house. The person who got to go first would make one selection and put his or her color sticker on the back of the painting. Then the next person would select a painting and put a sticker on the back of that one. The third and the fourth sibling would do the same. Then the first person would get go choose again.

I think someone also wrote down our choices, but I don’t recall that clearly. I do know that before selections began we all had our eyes on certain paintings we particularly wanted. If you were the fourth person in line, you would hold your breath and hope someone else hadn’t chosen the one you wanted. But in this way everyone was assured they would get at least one of their first four choices. As we got farther and farther down the pile of remaining paintings, we weren’t quite so concerned about our choice. But you’d be amazed at how important it was to be able to make the selections yourself rather than have someone decide for you.

After selection of the paintings was done, we’d take a break (this all took place over a couple days, what with the sorting into categories and all). Then we’d start on the next group of things we could inherit, perhaps the furniture. The person who got last choice in the previous round would get first choice, so no one would always get first pick. With about four categories, someone would always get to be first and select what they were sure was the best of that category.

The truth was that what was “best” was highly subjective. For example, I noticed that I would pass up something, forgetting it had been used to fix a thousand meals in the kitchens of our childhood. When my sister would chose it (she went for most of the sentimental rather than practical items), I’d suddenly wish I had selected that one instead of the item I’d just chosen. But for the most part I was satisfied.

Were there problems? Only a few. One happened over a cupboard I had previously asked my mother if I could inherit when she died. At that time I didn’t know we would be going through this selection process. It had been a tall piece with several coats of paint that she’d rescued from the basement of a church where my brother was minister. After she’d worked her magic on refinishing it, it was absolutely beautiful. I had thought for several years that it would look perfect in my house and knew exactly where I’d put it.

Unfortunately, my brother had always assumed it would be his because it had come from his church. He simply hadn’t been as forward about asking as I had been. I realized with sinking heart that he probably should get it. But I did insist he use that piece for his first choice when selections began for furniture. It didn’t seem fair that he’d get the prized cupboard without having to choose it, meaning he’d get two good pieces.

Yes, I could have been more magnanimous, but considering the emotions that often divide families as they’re dividing their parents’ possessions, all and all we were quite friendly about everything. Well, there was that matter of Grandmother’s stained linen napkins that should not have been part of the dishes and silverware in the first place and …

But you get the point. This can be a lot of fun, although I will admit that some families I know are so contentious and competitive that this system wouldn’t work. However, when it is possible, it’s a great way to share the treasures and memories of one generation with the next.

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Arlene will be on hiatus from the Support4Change Blog, while working on the Better Tomorrows Program. In the meantime, I will provide you with what I think of as Arlene’s “Greatest Hits.” This article is from the Support4Change website.

A GUIDED IMAGERY SCRIPT: Uncover memories that can help you deal with the fear of the future and that drain you of energy by having you worry about things that may never happen.

This piece is designed to help you uncover memories that can counteract the fear of what might happen tomorrow, fear that can prevent you from making changes in your life today — changes that could conceivably have a positive impact on the future. It suggests how you can reduce the control that fear wants to have over you and reaffirm your power to choose how you will live in this moment, in this day.

As with all the imagery scripts on this website, you can use this in several different ways. First, simply read it as you would read any article, with the purpose of learning something and exploring how that might apply to you. On the other hand, you may want to get into the piece more deeply by reading it several times to yourself, pausing when you come to breaks identified by three periods (…) in order to have time to experience that section in whatever way feels comfortable to you.

Or, you can try to experience it as a regular imagery exercise is usually done, that is, first read it into a tape player (or have a friend or family member read it for you) and then, as you listen to it, close your eyes and follow along in whatever way feels right to you. To learn more about the technique of imagery, I suggest you read Exercising the Right Side of Your Brain, Part One of Images and Symbols: The Glue of Habit, the Lubricant of Change.

Begin by becoming as comfortable as possible … . And as you allow your body to feel fully supported, notice the quieting sensation of your hands at rest and let your muscles relax all the way down to your toes … . And as you continue to relax more … . and more, … . allow your mind to become quiet and still … . Soon you find yourself in a state of pleasant consciousness. Now I invite you to follow this exercise in whatever way feels right for you.

The first part of this imagery exercise is designed to help you remember some of the many times you have controlled your life, at least to a large degree. You will be asked to recall various times when you responded with confidence and skill to the challenges sent your way. Later in the exercise you will create a very special image that can be used whenever fear threatens to overpower you. As you follow this first part of the exercise, accept your memories as gifts from your subconscious, gifts it offers you as a way out of fear.

And now, because knowledge can diminish the power of fear, recall a time when you solved a difficult problem by learning something new… . As you remember this, experience how good it feels to have the ability to learn and grow… .

And now, be aware that fear would have you believe that you have to face life all by yourself. But you are not alone. Instead of holding fear inside, where it can grow and take control, when you share it with others you diminish fear’s power over your life. And so, recall now a time when, because you expressed your feelings and your needs clearly, you were supported by others… . And as you remember, feel love and gratitude flowing throughout your body because you have caring people in your life… .

Turn your attention now to something else that fear would have you forget. You see, concern about the future comes in large part from worrying that you might make mistakes. And you might. But you can challenge this concern by validating yourself as a person who not only has many natural talents in solving problems but also has an ability to learn from mistakes. And so, recall now a time when you made a mistake, were able to forgive yourself and learned from it… .

And now, notice that fear wants you to focus on the separate details of life, seeing one thing as good and another as bad, with particular emphasis on the bad. And of course, we all have a tendency to see one part of our lives as acceptable and another as unacceptable. But like all of us, you have also had experiences that transcended that sense of separateness, times when you experienced the ordinary, individual details of life as a whole. You may have felt this connection with the essence of life when you held a newborn child or when you stood on a cliff overlooking the ocean, wondering how many millions of other people have looked at that same ocean for countless centuries. And so, recall now a time when you connected with this sense of oneness… .

And finally, turn your attention to one of the most powerful things you can do to keep fear from bringing the future into the present — you can choose to accept the future only when it actually arrives. Furthermore, you banish fear by choosing to celebrate the pleasures that life offers in each moment, for fear is a very serious emotion, with no sense of pleasure and certainly no sense of humor. It wouldn’t approve if you relaxed in the bathtub with a box of chocolates and a trashy novel. It doesn’t want you to laugh at a funny little bird hopping along the beach or share a silly story with an old friend. Why? Because you can’t be overwhelmed by fears of the future if you’re fully focused on the present. And so, bring your attention now to this present moment, this time that has never been before and will never be again… . And as you focus on this moment, allow a feeling of peace and serenity to gently flow throughout your body… .

As you continue to feel centered and calm, we come to the last part of this exercise, creating an image that can reduce the power that fear wants to have over you. Begin by noticing that, in the entire landscape of your life, there is some healthy concern about what might happen. But there is also much, much more. And so, with a deep appreciation for your ability to respond positively to all of life, allow an image of strength and confidence to bubble up from deep within. This may appear to you as an object you can actually experience with your senses or you may just get a general feeling of what it could be. However this image appears, experience it as fully and as powerfully as you can… .

As you hold this image in your mind, allow yourself to be filled with confidence and peace… . Feel how wonderful it is to know that while you may not have control over everything that happens to you, you have the power to choose how to live. In that choosing, you take away from fear its ability to control your sense of well-being. And so, when you first become afraid of any of the many things that fear would have you worry about, recall the image you have just created and hold it in your heart. And if, once-in-awhile, you find yourself lost in fear or emotionally stuck, repeat this exercise. Then you may discover that you can create an even more powerful image that can help you realize fear need not be your master. And when you have an image that brings you peace and comfort, you may want to use it when other strong emotions try to focus all your attention on their agenda for your life.

And now turn your attention back to the room you are in, bringing with you one particular thing about fear that would be good for you to remember … and then feel your body supported by the furniture, … take a deep energizing breath, … stretch your arms and legs … and return to full awareness, realizing that while you will always be aware of the reality of cancer — and of other problems that will certainly come your way from time-to-time — you do not need to be a prisoner of fear.

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Arlene will be on hiatus from the Support4Change Blog, while working on the Better Tomorrows Program. In the meantime, I will provide you with what I think of as Arlene’s “Greatest Hits.” This article is from the Support4Change website.

A visit to a museum shows how easy it is to focus on details and miss the larger picture.

A while back, I had the privilege, together with LOTS and LOTS of other people, of seeing “Van Gogh’s Van Goghs,” an exhibition of masterpieces from the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam, at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art. I came away struck by two things I want to share with you.

Focusing on Details and Missing the Larger Picture

The first occurred when I was able to work my way around other people and move to less than a foot from a painting, remembering my manners, of course, and standing at the side so I didn’t block the view of others. What I saw was a canvas filled with bold, broad strokes of bold, bright colors. From this viewpoint, there was very little sense of how these individual “ingredients” of the painting fitted within the whole.

The only other time I’ve experienced anything like this was when I saw an Impressionist exhibit a number of years ago. More recently, I’ve been to the Getty Art Center, where paintings by the old masters let you know they paid great attention to detail. Seeing a Van Gogh up close is an entirely different experience.

It’s like watching a magician challenge you to follow his slight-of-hand as he creates, seemingly out of thin air, the illusions of his craft. I could see the WAY separate strokes of paint had been applied, but I didn’t understand how Van Gogh could know, standing next to his canvas, what the effect would be on viewers ten feet away. That was certainly part of his genius.

As I thought about this, I realized that some of us (including me, if truth be told) can become so captivated by the details in our lives and so busily engaged in a hundred separate activities of home and work that we miss the WHOLE scene. It particularly happens when we focus in minute detail on our faults and on our regrets. We fail to recognize their insignificance when compared with all the good we’ve done and all the blessings we have.

It’s more than just not seeing the forest for the trees. We become, at times, like the fanatic who, having lost sight of his primary goal, becomes attached to side issues. Not realizing that these don’t relate to what he really wants, but believing them to be terribly important, he redoubles his efforts. In so doing, he stands little chance of reaching his original goal.

And if you’re concerned about something that may — or may not — happen in the future, you may come under the power of fear, which is a very self-centered emotion. It would have you believe that your sense of well-being, your very quality of life, is defined only by the thing you fear. Of course, from time to time we all feel some anxiety, but fear is stronger. It is like a magnet, trying to rivet your attention only to what might happen. And so, overcoming fear requires you to pull yourself away from it, i.e., to consciously step back from the fear so that your perspective is expanded to include every part of the rich landscape of your life.

You can read more about appreciating your life as a whole in Reviewing the Fabric of Your Life and about preventing fear from taking over your life in Breaking Fear’s Hold on the Future.

When the Ego Jumps to Conclusions

The second thing I learned from standing close to Van Gogh’s paintings is that we experience the “whole” of life by filing in empty space with details that aren’t there. This became apparent to me when I looked at a Van Gogh from a distance and enjoyed “seeing” the branches of small plants next to a road in a winter scene, lace curtains blowing in a window, the texture of a shoe. As I got closer, however, it was clear that my imagination had created these details of form and substance. I had merely projected onto the canvas what I WANTED to see.

This, too, is like life. When our ego needs to believe our opinions are right (in a distorted attempt to have us feel good), we are quite capable of convincing ourselves that our opinions are true, even if there is a total absence of facts behind them. When this happens, we land on the Island of Conclusions, a place Norton Juster writes about in “The Phantom Toll Booth.” It’s a place to which we unconsciously jump in one easy leap, but from which it’s hard to leave without conscious effort.

Therefore, today’s second lesson from Van Gogh, ladies and gentlemen, is that life is too short and far too precious to operate from false conclusions. Of course, none of us are free from holding opinions that don’t hold water and most of the time it doesn’t matter terribly much if we’ve distorted the truth a little to our advantage. But when our ego’s need to be “right” causes disruptions in relationships and in work, it’s time to put the ego in its place and look more realistically at what is really true.

So if you’ve been accused of coming to the wrong conclusions about something important, or if you suspect you’ve been making some assumptions that could easily be flawed — and if you are willing to be honest with yourself — I recommend you read Preventing Ego From Destroying Love and Unhooking the Velcro Syndromes.

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Arlene will be on hiatus from the Support4Change Blog, while working on the Better Tomorrows Program. In the meantime, I will provide you with what I think of as Arlene’s “Greatest Hits.” This article is from the Support4Change.com website.

Do the circumstances of your life seem impossible to deal with? Learn how to embrace them and move on more quickly to something better.

PLEASE NOTE:

You can use this imagery script in several different ways. First, simply read it as you would read any post, with the purpose of learning something and exploring how that might apply to you. On the other hand, you may want to get into the piece more deeply by reading it several times to yourself, pausing when you come to breaks identified by three periods (…) in order to have time to experience that section in whatever way feels comfortable to you.

Or, you can try to experience it as a regular imagery exercise is usually done, that is, first read it into a tape player (or have a friend or family member read it for you) and then, as you listen to it, close your eyes and follow along in whatever way feels right to you. To learn more about the technique of imagery, I suggest you read Exercising the Right Side of Your Brain, Part One of Images and Symbols: The Glue of Habit, the Lubricant of Change…

As you get ready to experience positive, self-affirming, joyful feelings even in the midst of your challenging situation, take a moment to settle into your chair or sofa or to lie on the bed and get as comfortable as possible… . And as you begin to relax, gently close your eyes, if you have not already done so, and take one or two deep breaths, releasing the air as fully as you comfortably can and letting your muscles relax as completely as possible… . As you feel more and more at ease, I invite you to remain relaxed and alert, following my words in any way you would like, and allowing yourself to anticipate how wonderful it would feel if you were always able to experience the many moments of pleasure and joy that are part of life, just as you accept the challenges of life… .

And now imagine it is very early in the morning, just as the sun is rising, and you awaken with a vague awareness of a dream you can’t quite remember. As your mind comes out of the fog of sleep, you know the dream had something to do with being too focused on the down side of your situation. Oh, there is a down side, no doubt about it. But this morning you begin to wonder how you can focus less on what might go wrong and more on what, in fact, goes right. Of course, already you remember, from time to time, to stop and smell the roses, but even then, in the back of your mind, sometimes you suspect you’re taking too much time enjoying yourself and you get serious again, shifting your attention to what is merely the possibility of future problems. But now, lying here in bed, wanting to set the mood for the rest of the day, you wonder how you can learn to completely enjoy every good moment that comes your way.

And then, as the sun streams in the window, you decide that perhaps the answer simply lies in thoroughly experiencing each moment as it happens. Then you will not miss the genuinely good moments by waiting for a challenge to appear. Of course, you know that when you do have to face a challenge, you will do it with courage and strength. In the meantime, you can enjoy the pleasure of being on this wonderful journey called life. And so, as you stretch and yawn, getting ready to arise, you take a mental reading of how you feel right now and you realize that, at least so far today, you feel fine. In fact, right now you feel pretty darn good and you decide that for the whole day today you will experience each and every moment just as it comes, especially reinforcing good feelings by acknowledging the potential for pleasure that lies within each moment.

And as you let these thoughts sink in, you have a sense of peace and calm you haven’t felt for a long time. And then, as you begin to get out of bed, you feel more and more pleased with this sense of feeling better, of accepting what is true about this moment, this particular day. And you entertain the idea that not only do you feel good right now, the entire day holds promise of being a good one. Take a moment now to experience how it would feel to awaken each day with the willingness to embrace the potential for joy, love and the pleasant feelings that life has to offer from moment to moment… .

And now, imagine that when you get out of bed and go into the bathroom you look in the mirror and, on a whim, you say out loud to your reflection, “I feel pretty good right now. In fact, I am willing to entertain the possibility that today might even be a good day.” Or you may even want to state: “I feel terrific right now. At this moment I look forward to the possibility of a marvelous day.” And as you say exactly how you feel, you know, on a very deep level, that your sense of well-being is enhanced when your feelings are expressed fully and honestly. So as you tell your reflection in the mirror how good you feel, experience what happens throughout your body when you affirm yourself in this way… .

And as you tell yourself that you embrace the good feelings of the moment, you notice the mirror reflects your smile. And the smile is like a booster shot of pleasure. It increases the impact of your words and you realize that, indeed, this day is filled with opportunities to embrace wellness, wholeness and joy. So take a moment now to experience what it would feel like to look forward to a day in which every moment was open to the possibility of pleasure… .

And now, if you live with someone else, in your imagination you go to where that person is and say to them what you just told yourself. “I feel pretty good right now. In fact, I am willing to entertain the possibility that today might even be a good day.” Or, “I feel terrific right now. At this moment I look forward to the possibility of a marvelous day.” Your friend or family member smiles broadly at the news of a positive prognosis. And seeing the smile on the other person’s face the lightness in your heart is increased and you know that part of the pleasure of the moment is in sharing your good feelings with someone else.

So now imagine you call a friend and you tell that person that you feel pretty good, or terrific, or whatever is true. In hearing your news, that person is so pleased for you that the joy in his or her voice gives you another boost of energy and you start to feel even better, realizing that we all need a cheering section. We all need people who can reflect not only our pains and struggles, but our accomplishments, hopes and joy. And now, take a moment to experience what it is like to share good feelings with others… .

And now imagine that the friend you called is overjoyed at good news. And because that person really is a first class member of your cheering section, he or she calls an acquaintance who works for the newspaper and tells a reporter that despite the trials and tribulations of your life, you have learned to live in the pleasure of each moment. Before you know it, the reporter has come to your house to write a story about you. You’re amazed, of course, that something so simple as seeing the potential for pleasure in each moment-and in sharing that pleasure with others-would be of any interest to a newspaper. But the reporter tells you that, in the midst of all the turmoil of the modern world, people want to know that there are those who can face tough problems squarely and honestly and yet can also experience genuine joy in the pleasures of life… .

Imagine now that after the reporter leaves, you go about your usual activities. But today you do not experience them as you would have in the past. Instead, you are aware that each moment has the potential for pleasure and you are determined to find that pleasure in things both large and small. Notice where would you look to uncover the most likely sources of pleasure and how you would know you had found it. And notice who would be most interested in hearing of your pleasure and how you would share your joy with that person. Experience as completely as you can, in whatever way is best for you, what it would be like to fully live every moment of every day… .

And now imagine that when the local newspaper comes out later that afternoon there is a front page story about you, a person who, it is true, has troubles but a person who is learning to thoroughly enjoy every moment of the day, and to share that pleasure with others. And as you crawl into bed, you wonder whether possibly, just possibly, your decision to embrace your good feelings and to celebrate those feelings by sharing your joy with others may make tomorrow a day of pleasure as well. And so imagine now what it would be like to go to sleep looking forward to whatever tomorrow will bring, knowing you have learned to live in the moment, which is all any of us have… .

And now, become aware of the room once more and gently open your eyes, returning to awareness feeling fully alert and ready to experience whatever each moment will bring.

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