Support4Change Blog

May 9, 2008

By Arlene Harder, MA, MFT

Letting Go of Resentments From Childhood

“When we heal our relationship with our parents, we are healing a deep part of ourselves, and this will enhance all our relationships.”
 — The Shared Heart, Joyce and Barry Vissell, p. 121 

This Sunday is Mother’s Day and millions of mothers of small children will be honored with a cold-toast and soggy-cereal breakfast in bed and with hand-made cards expressing geuine love and adoration.

The day will also be one of great discomfort for millions of children, especially those who’ve been out of the house for awhile and realize their mother was (and still is) far from perfect. How can they accept their parents, these people say, when they feel their parents never understood them, didn’t give them what they wanted, let alone what they needed? How can they let go of that resentment when they are convinced that problems they have in their lives today were caused by neglect and abuse in their childhood homes? 

Earlier today, I thought of many adult children who carry grievances from the past and just wish Mothers’ Day and Fathers’ Day didn’t need to be such a big deal. You see, I was cleaning up my e-mail files and found an old e-newsletter I had sent from Learning Place Online (now only Support4Change has a newsletter). It had a link to an article from Joyce and Barry Vissells’ April 2004, Shared Heart Column that was reprinted on Learning Place Online.

Now that I have many new readers, I’ll mention that article again. So if you find it difficult to “honor” your mother with sincerity when past (and sometimes current) resentments catch your throat as you profer the “obligatory” flowers, dinner and/or phone call, I recommend you read Our Parents’ Blessings. It may help you see things a little differently. 

However, even if you don’t read that article, the Q-and-A Club questions today are ones that may help you start to see your parents in a new way

Q-AND-A CLUB: QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF IF YOU WANT TO STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

What are the lessons and gifts I received from my parents, even if they were not the parents I would have chosen, if I had been given the chance?

What qualities of strength and character did I gain from dealing with my parents?

Am I willing to let go of my resentments over things that happened in the past and cannot be undone?

NOTE: My husband and I are heading out the door for our traditional Friday night dinner and walk. I will not spend any more time polishing this, which the perfectionist side of me says needs to be done. But this week I had another of my recovering perfectionist lessons that I will tell you about in the next blog entry (early next week).

All you perfectionists out there would do well to come back and read what happened.